it's been a year plus since i even blogged hahaha wow time really flies?? so many things happened i can't even wrap my head around it.. i fell in and out of love, i dated a few people just to try it out, like why not? but now, at my current stage, i don't even know what i want anymore. i'm ready for commitment i guess, but now it's so hard to find.

i fell in love with someone, someone so.. different. at surface he seems like some gangster, he smokes he has piercings he has hair that covers his eyes. he acts like one, talks like one, but inside he was broken. we started talking everyday; it was my little piece of heaven. staying up till 6+ am everyday, we would say "oh we'll sleep at 3:15" it slowly dragged till 6 until we couldn't take it anymore. just talking to you would make my day instantly better, even when you told me about your ex. you weren't over her yet, she broke your heart so badly you couldn't even fix the pieces back together.

i kept thinking to myself, when you told me how she didn't appreciate anything you did for her, that i could love you way more than she could and would. it drove me mad that she couldn't see how wonderful you are; a rare gem. someone who could love so well. i started to care so much for you, i realised i fell hard for you the day you went MIA for hours because you got into a fight, and since talking to you constantly was a habit and a thing between us, it worried me so much that i knew something was definitely wrong and that night, i couldn't sleep at all. i stayed up till 8am, worrying, unable to sleep, until you finally texted and told me you got locked up.

you quit that life after that, quit your gang, started to study so hard. the times we hung out, it always made me so happy. nex will always hold special memories for me since that day, when we just sat there and talked for hours, both reluctant to leave and hating that we both had curfews at 12. studying together in school, then heading to the upper red bridge, sitting there, smoking while talking. those times, made me fall even harder for you, if that's even possible, this crush made me happier yet more miserable at the same time.. you confuse me sometimes, or maybe i just really overthink alot. but one thing was for sure: you've definitely made an imprint on my mind and heart.

life has a really weird way of either bringing you up to the clouds or dragging you down to your lowest point at worst timings. i don't regret meeting you, i don't regret falling in love with you. i still am a little in love, but it will pass. life goes on, i guess.

some people can afford to go back to the past, go back with their exes.. but for me, once i leave i never look back. doesn't it hurt the most though, when you love someone so much, you'd do anything for them, but you also know that they will never do or feel the same way.  when you can give up the most precious things to you, but they won't. facing this is hard, accepting it is even harder. but in the end, you find someone who will help you out from that hellhole. that person, may hurt you even worse, or will be the one to save you.

currently, i met someone who has been helping me out, yet pushing me back in at the same time. he confuses me even much more, yet makes me feel safe and secure at times. he saw the cuts on arms and promised to help me get through my insecurities and fears, and the pain, as he can't bear to see another of his friend commit suicide again. i fell for him slowly, placing my trust in him that he won't let me down. but in the end, nothing comes easy. he's broken, way more broken than me, because his past hurt him, shaped him to become the fragile person he is today. he promised me alot of things, made me happy, made me sad, all in the span of the 4 days we know each other. i feel like i've known him more than that though. but this... it hurts. i know, i can never replace his ex. no one can replace the guy i love(d) too.

but i want to be the one who helps you heal, the one who can help you be happy again, the one who can create happy memories with you. you told me, life is complicated; no. it's you who makes life so complicated. it's your decision.

i'll give you time. i know you need it. my past has also shaped me, i became stronger, more numb. i was surprised by myself, the hurt doesn't last as long as it used to. or maybe, you just honestly don't mean so much to me as he did. but still, i'm always there for you. nowadays, i just let life take me to wherever i end up to. i'll meet new people, i might lose some friends, i might meet someone who will love me and who i will love back wholeheartedly.

i don't try to find love anymore. i'll let it find me.